Free Read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

  Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

"A FEW OF THE GUESTS, WHO HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF BEING Also Most THE WINDOWS, WERE SEIZED AND FEASTED ON AT ONCE."

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES

THE CLASSIC REGENCY ROMANCE–Now WITH ULTRAVIOLENT ZOMBIE Commotion

Past JANE AUSTEN AND SETH GRAHAME-SMITH

Copyright © 2009 by Quirk Productions, Inc.

All rights reserved. No office of this book may exist reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Number: 2008937609

eISBN: 978-1-59474-449-5

Designed past Doogie Horner

Product management past John J. McGurk

Distributed in North America by Relate Books

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Quirk Books

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LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS

A few of the guests, who had the misfortune of being as well near the windows, were seized and feasted on at in one case.

Frontispiece

Mr. Darcy watched Elizabeth and her sisters work their way outward, beheading zombie after zombie as they went.

page 15

Elizabeth lifted her brim, disregarding modesty, and delivered a swift kick to the creature's caput.

page 29

2 developed unmentionables—both of them male person—busied themselves feasting upon the flesh of the household staff.

page 81

The wedding took place, and no i other than Elizabeth seemed to suspect the bride's condition.

page 111

"My dear girl," said her ladyship. "I suggest you lot have this contest seriously. My ninjas will testify you no mercy."

folio 131

Ane of her kicks constitute its mark, and Darcy was sent into the mantelpiece with such force equally to shatter its edge.

page 150

The rules were simple: Sneak upwards behind 1 of the large bucks grazing in the nearby forest, wrestle it to the ground, and buss it on the olfactory organ before letting it get.

page 183

The fume from Darcy's musket hung in the air around him, wafting Heavenward through his thick mane of chestnut hair.

folio 200

"Weak, airheaded daughter! And then long as there is life in this former trunk, you shall never once again exist in the company of my nephew!"

folio 291

The creatures were itch on their hands and knees, biting into ripe heads of cauliflower, which they had mistaken for stray brains.

page 303

Affiliate one

IT IS A TRUTH universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains. Never was this truth more evidently than during the contempo attacks at Netherfield Park, in which a household of eighteen was slaughtered and consumed by a horde of the living expressionless.

"My dearest Mr. Bennet," said his lady to him ane solar day, "have you heard that Netherfield Park is occupied again?"

Mr. Bennet replied that he had non and went nearly his morning business organization of dagger sharpening and musket polishing—for attacks by the unmentionables had grown alarmingly frequent in recent weeks.

"But it is," returned she.

Mr. Bennet made no respond.

"Exercise yous not want to know who has taken it?" cried his wife impatiently.

"Woman, I am attending to my musket. Prattle on if you must, but exit me to the defense of my estate!"

This was invitation enough.

"Why, my honey, Mrs. Long says that Netherfield is taken by a young man of large fortune; that he escaped London in a chaise and four only as the strange plague broke through the Manchester line."

"What is his name?"

"Bingley. A unmarried man of four or five thousand a year. What a fine thing for our girls!"

"How so? Tin he train them in the means of swordsmanship and musketry?"

"How tin can you be so tiresome! You must know that I am thinking of his marrying one of them."

"Marriage? In times such every bit these? Surely this Bingley has no such designs."

"Designs! Nonsense, how tin you talk and so! It is very likely that he may fall in dearest with one of them, and therefore you must visit him as soon as he comes."

"I see no occasion for that. And besides, we mustn't busy the roads more than is absolutely necessary, lest nosotros lose more than horses and carriages to the unfortunate scourge that has so troubled our beloved Hertfordshire of late."

"But consider your daughters!"

"I am because them, silly adult female! I would much prefer their minds be engaged in the deadly arts than clouded with dreams of marriage and fortune, as your own and then conspicuously is! Go and encounter this Bingley if yous must, though I warn you that none of our girls has much to recommend them; they are all empty-headed and ignorant like their mother, the exception existence Lizzy, who has something more of the killer instinct than her sisters."

"Mr. Bennet, how tin you abuse your own children in such a manner? You take delight in vexing me. You have no compassion for my poor fretfulness."

"You mistake me, my dear. I have a high respect for your nerves. They are my onetime friends. I have heard of little else these last twenty years at least."

Mr. Bennet was and then odd a mixture of quick parts, sarcastic sense of humour, reserve, and self-subject area, that the feel of three-and-twenty years had been insufficient to make his wife understand his character. Her mind was less difficult to develop. She was a woman of mean understanding, little information, and uncertain atmosphere. When she was discontented, she fancied herself nervous. And when she was nervous—equally she was nearly all the time since the get-go outbreak of the strange plague in her youth—she sought solace in the comfort of the traditions which now seemed mere trifles to others.

The business of Mr. Bennett's life was to go on his daughters alive. The business of Mrs. Bennett's was to get them married.

CHAPTER 2

MR. BENNET WAS AMONG the earliest of those who waited on Mr. Bingley. He had always intended to visit him, though to the last ever assuring his married woman that he should not go; and till the evening later the visit was paid she had no knowledge of it. It was then disclosed in the following manner. Observing his second daughter employed in etching the Bennett crest in the handle of a new sword, he suddenly addressed her with:

"I hope Mr. Bingley will like it, Lizzy."

"We are not in a way to know what Mr. Bingley likes," said her mother resentfully, "since we are not to visit."

"Simply yous forget, mamma," said Elizabeth, "that nosotros shall meet him at the side by side ball."

Mrs. Bennet deigned not to make any reply, but, unable to contain herself, began scolding ane of her daughters.

"Don't keep coughing so, Kitty, for Heaven'southward sake! You sound as if you have been stricken!"

"Mother! What a dreadful thing to say, with so many zombies about!" replied Kitty fretfully. "When is your next ball to exist, Lizzy?"

"To-morrow fortnight."

"Aye, so it is," cried her female parent, "and it volition exist impossible to introduce him, since we shall not know him ourselves. Oh, how I wish I had never heard the name Bingley!"

"I am deplorable to hear that," said Mr. Bennett. "If I had known as much this morning I certainly would not accept called on him. It is very unlucky; but as I have actually paid the visit, we cannot escape the acquaintance now."

The astonishment of the ladies was just what he wished; that of Mrs. Bennet perhaps surpassing the rest; though, when the starting time tumult of joy was over, she began to declare that information technology was what she had expected all the while.

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"How good it was in you, my dearest Mr. Bennet! Just I knew I should persuade you lot at concluding. I was sure you lot loved your girls too well to fail such an associate. Well, how pleased I am! And information technology is such a practiced joke, besides, that you should take gone this morning time and never said a word about information technology till now."

"Do non mistake my indulgence for a relaxation in discipline," said Mr. Bennett. "The girls shall continue their training every bit e'er—Bingley or no Bingley."

"Of class, of form!" cried Mrs. Bennett. "They shall be every bit deadly as they are fetching!"

"At present, Kitty, you may cough as much equally you choose," said Mr. Bennet; and, equally he spoke, he left the room, fatigued with the raptures of his wife.

"What an excellent begetter you have, girls!" said she, when the door was shut. "Such joys are scarce since the good Lord saw fit to shut the gates of Hell and doom the dead to walk amidst u.s.. Lydia, my beloved, though you are the youngest, I dare say Mr. Bingley will dance with you at the next ball."

"Oh!" said Lydia stoutly, "I am not agape; for though I am the youngest, I'chiliad also the most proficient in the art of tempting the other sex activity."

The balance of the evening was spent in conjecturing how soon Mr. Bingley would return Mr. Bennet's visit, and determining when they should ask him to dinner.

CHAPTER 3

Non ALL THAT Mrs. Bennet, however, with the aid of her five daughters, could ask on the subject, was sufficient to depict from her married man whatsoever satisfactory description of Mr. Bingley. They attacked him in various means—with barefaced questions, ingenious suppositions, and distant surmises; but he eluded the skill of them all, and they were at last obliged to accept the second-hand intelligence of their neighbour Lady Lucas. Her report was highly favourable. Sir William had been delighted with him. He was quite young, wonderfully handsome, and, to crown the whole, he meant to be at the next ball with a large party. Nothing could be more than delightful!

"If I can simply run into i of my daughters happily settled at Netherfield," said Mrs. Bennet to her husband, "and all the others equally well married, I shall have nothing to wish for."

"And if I can see all 5 of them survive England's present difficulties, so neither shall I," he replied.

In a few days Mr. Bingley returned Mr. Bennet's visit, and sat about ten minutes with him in his library. He had entertained hopes of beingness admitted to a sight of the young ladies, of whose beauty and fighting skill he had heard much; only he saw only the begetter. The ladies were somewhat more fortunate, for they had the reward of ascertaining from an upper window that he wore a blue coat, rode a black horse, and carried a French carbine burglarize upon his back—quite an exotic weapon for an Englishman. However, from his impuissant wielding of it, Elizabeth was quite sure that he had picayune training in musketry or any of the deadly arts.

An invitation to dinner was soon after dispatched; and already had Mrs. Bennet planned the courses that were to exercise credit to her housekeeping, when an answer arrived which deferred it all. Mr. Bingley was obliged to be in town the following mean solar day, and, consequently, unable to have the honour of their invitation, etc. Mrs. Bennet was quite disconcerted. She could not imagine what concern he could have in town so soon after his arrival in Hertfordshire. Lady Lucas quieted her fears a little by starting the thought of his existence gone to London just to call back a large party for the ball; and a report soon followed that Mr. Bingley was to bring twelve ladies and seven gentlemen with him to the assembly. The girls grieved over such a number of ladies, only were comforted by hearing that instead of twelve he brought only 6 with him from London—his five sisters and a cousin. And when the political party entered the ball, it consisted of only five altogether—Mr. Bingley, his two sisters, the husband of the eldest, and some other fellow.

Mr. Bingley was proficient-looking and gentlemanlike; he had a pleasant eyebrow, and easy, unaffected manners. His sisters were fine women, with an air of decided style, merely lilliputian in the way of combat training. His blood brother-in-police, Mr. Hurst, only looked the admirer; but his friend Mr. Darcy soon drew the attention of the room by his fine, tall person, handsome features, noble mien—and the report which was in general apportionment within five minutes afterwards his entrance, of his having slaughtered more than a thousand unmentionables since the fall of Cambridge. The gentlemen pronounced him to be a fine figure of a human being, the ladies declared he was much handsomer than Mr. Bingley, and he was looked at with great admiration, until his manners gave a disgust which turned the tide of his popularity; for he was discovered to be proud, to be to a higher place his visitor, and above beingness pleased.

Mr. Bingley had soon fabricated himself acquainted with all the principal people in the room; he was lively and unreserved, danced every trip the light fantastic toe, was aroused that the ball airtight and then early on, and talked of giving one himself at Netherfield. And though he lacked Mr. Darcy's proficiency with both sword and musket, such amiable qualities must speak for themselves. What a contrast! Mr. Darcy was the proudest, most disagreeable human in the earth, and everybody hoped that he would never come at that place again. Amongst the virtually fierce confronting him was Mrs. Bennet, whose dislike of his general behaviour was sharpened into particular resentment by his having slighted one of her daughters.

Elizabeth Bennet had been obliged, by the scarcity of gentlemen, to sit down for ii dances; and during part of that fourth dimension, Mr. Darcy had been standing near enough for her to hear a conversation between him and Mr. Bingley, who came from the dance for a few minutes, to press his friend to join it.

"Come, Darcy," said he, "I must have y'all trip the light fantastic. I hate to come across you lot standing about past yourself in this stupid fashion."

"I certainly shall not. Y'all know how I detest it, unless I am particularly acquainted with my partner. At such an assembly as this information technology would exist insupportable. Your sisters are engaged, and at that place is not another woman in the room whom it would non be a punishment to me to stand up up with."

"Upon my accolade!" cried Mr. Bingley, "I never met with so many pleasant girls in my life as I accept this evening; and there are several of them you see uncommonly pretty."

"You are dancing with the only handsome daughter in the room," said Mr. Darcy, looking at the eldest Miss Bennet.

"Oh! She is the well-nigh beautiful brute I ever beheld! But there is one of her sisters sitting down just behind you, who is very pretty, and I dare say very agreeable."

"Which do you mean?" and turning round he looked for a moment at Elizabeth, till catching her eye, he withdrew his own and coldly said, "She is tolerable, but not handsome plenty to tempt me; I am in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted past other men."

As Mr. Darcy walked off, Elizabeth felt her claret turn cold. She had never in her life been and so insulted. The warrior code demanded she avenge her honour. Elizabeth reached downwards to her talocrural joint, taking care not to depict attention. There, her hand met the dagger concealed beneath her dress. She meant to follow this proud Mr. Darcy outside and open his pharynx.

But no sooner had she grabbed the handle of her weapon than a chorus of screams filled the assembly hall, immediately joined by the shattering of window panes. Unmentionables poured in, their movements clumsy yet swift; their burial clothing in a range of untidiness. Some wore gowns so tattered as to render them scandalous; other wore suits so filthy that one would assume they were assembled from little more dirt and dried blood. Their flesh was in varying degrees of putrefaction; the freshly stricken were slightly green and pliant, whereas the longer dead were grey and brittle—their eyes and tongues long since turned to dust, and their lips pulled back into everlasting skeletal smiles.

A few of the guests, who had the misfortune of beingness also well-nigh the windows, were seized and feasted on at once. When Elizabeth stood, she saw Mrs. Long struggle to free herself as two female dreadfuls bit into her head, cracking her skull like a walnut, and sending a shower of dark blood spouting as loftier equally the chandeliers.

Equally guests fled in every direction, Mr. Bennett'due south voice cut through the commotion. "Gir

ls! Pentagram of Death!"

Elizabeth immediately joined her 4 sisters, Jane, Mary, Catherine, and Lydia in the middle of the trip the light fantastic flooring. Each daughter produced a dagger from her talocrural joint and stood at the tip of an imaginary five-pointed star. From the center of the room, they began stepping outward in unison—each thrusting a razor-sharp dagger with one hand, the other mitt modestly tucked into the small of her back.

From a corner of the room, Mr. Darcy watched Elizabeth and her sisters work their way outward, beheading zombie after zombie as they went. He knew of merely one other woman in all of Slap-up U.k. who wielded a dagger with such skill, such grace, and mortiferous accurateness.

Past the fourth dimension the girls reached the walls of the associates hall, the terminal of the unmentionables lay nonetheless.

"MR. DARCY WATCHED ELIZABETH AND HER SISTERS Work THEIR WAY OUTWARD, BEHEADING ZOMBIE AFTER ZOMBIE As THEY WENT."

Apart from the attack, the evening altogether passed off pleasantly for the whole family. Mrs. Bennet had seen her eldest daughter much admired by the Netherfield party. Mr. Bingley had danced with her twice, and she had been distinguished past his sisters. Jane was as much gratified by this equally her mother could be, though in a quieter way. Elizabeth felt Jane'south pleasure. Mary had heard herself mentioned to Miss Bingley every bit the most accomplished girl in the neighbourhood; and Catherine and Lydia had been fortunate plenty never to be without partners, which was all that they had nevertheless learnt to intendance for at a ball. They returned, therefore, in good spirits to Longbourn, the village where they lived, and of which they were the chief inhabitants.

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